Sunday 20 December 2015

The Blame Game

"You made me do it!".....  "It's your fault!"..... 

Sounds familiar? At some point I may or may not have echoed those words in response to some less than favourable situation I found myself in. If it was a commendable act? You guessed it "that? That was all me!" We are pretty interesting creatures. It takes an Omnipotent, Omniscient kinda Creator to deal with all we can be (IMO-in my opinion for my less slang inclined friends). So we tend to blame when it's convenient and hoard praises and recognition when we see it fit.

What is blame though? www.dictionary.com defines blame as placing the responsibility for a fault or error. It is somehow the default setting for us to cast blame to relieve ourselves of the negative emotions or rather emotional discomfort we experience when things go awry. It isn't unfamiliar territory for most of us, as human beings we seek to minimise any form of discomfort and maximise on comfort. So blame can be pretty darn therapeutic when it boils down to it. 

What interested me most about blame is that it needs a villain and a victim, which is definitely an unproductive scenario. The villain is the one being blamed for the problem or difficulty being experienced and the victim is the woe is me recipient doing the blaming. Blame removes accountability and doesn't add real value to our relationships.  

What can be even more lethal is self blame, rather than operating from a place of self empowerment or faith. We sometimes harm ourselves by inflicting intense blame inwardly and embarking on a negative spiral. Now I know there is a fine line between giving yourself permission to continuously act in ways harmful to ourselves and others and condemning ourselves. It takes tremendous effort but I would like to think it's worth it.

My friend in my head Brene Brown recommends the following practical tips to help with blame:

  • See it in yourself – Spend a day being on the lookout for moments of blame. This may be blaming yourself or another and see if you can recognize how it was a moment of expelling pain, discomfort or some negative energy. How does it make you feel after? Was it relieving, does more negative energy creep in?
  • See it in others – Spend the next day noticing when other people use blame. Do you notice some pain or discomfort that preceded their moment of blaming?
  • See the freedom unfold – See what happens as you start to get curious about the experience of blame.
As you may be able to tell I'm a believer! I was sold on the idea that I don't have to "do life" on my own. That I have someone who cares, that I can learn to fully trust in and rely on in both my best and worst efforts to somehow make sense of and navigate this journey called "my life". So when things like this rise up in my consciousness and I see where I have been erring, I learn to be loving with myself and seek the help of the Lord to navigate the path. This one is mighty tricky due to the vast number of issues that tend to be underlying in blame issues and its roots. But I live to fight another day! 

I think you will enjoy the short video below on blame that my "friend" Brene did, I hope it gives you a bit of perspective as well. 


Cheers to living, loving and growing.
Godspeed.

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Hi There, I am

Toya Stewart-Rowe

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